Wednesday, September 10, 2008

On the topic of friends



It is sad but I have forgotten what true friendship is like. It used to be so easy for me to make friends but now it seems like a long lost dream which would never ever happen. In high school years, I wasn't the most popular one or anything, but I had a lot of friends both in school and outside. I carried those friendships as long as I could. Being 7000 miles apart from them did eventually create a gap. Now I'm not in regular touch with anyone except one - who is too busy in her own life. Not that I blame her..

But the point is, I should be able to make friends now. As a family, we do have people we get together with on a semi-regular basis, but that's different. When we moved into this neighborhood, I really thought I had found that level of friendship again -- with two of my neighbors. But over the last one year it has turned out to be nothing but back biting and b!tching (excuse my language). I'm so tired of their attitude towards me and towards their own lives. I wonder why I even attempt to keep in touch - ya I know, it is because of DS. He is best-friends to the twin sons of one neighbor.
I have been thinking over the last few weeks - why are they so negative towards me specially? Why not towards each other (or it seems to me that way?) At first, there was the incident of going to a gem show together last year. Neighbor A - came up and asked Neighbor B and me to go with her. Ok, no problems. Only, she doesn't want to drive out there (I can't remember why), so I volunteered. This was in winter and the forecast said it was going to sleet and roads may be slippery. I have a Civic and I'm not comfortable driving around in snow or sleet. So I asked the other 2 to take over the driving and I'll pay for food or something. A said she didn't want to and she'll go with her DH instead of us. B and I asked if we can go with you guys and she refused! Yes, that should have been my first clue to limit my friendship. After this, I remember a lot of drama surrounding the gem show visit and A called me at work and screamed about B's bad habits on the phone. B's bad habits were something A was always bickering about, and that day I snapped and put the phone down. I don't deserve this crap. I was at work and didn't want to listen to her screaming. Fair? I think so.

A few weeks (months?) later, A patched things with me and being the stupid person I am, I fell for it. B was now not talking to A over something A had said to her. A had asked her to not bring her kids over to her house (yes, she did) because they were bad mannered. Remember, they were 2 years old then and I agree, they could use some supervision and B is too lazy to do anything. So B kept saying things to me about A that I never repeated to A because otherwise it would have caused a big drama. I always steered the conversation away from A.

At some point, A and B patched up. I had no problems until they had turned their negativity and their frustrations against me! Now I'm their enemy because not only do I *only* have one kid, I have plenty of time to do crafts, while they slog through their lives. Now remember, I am the one who works full-time. A is SAHM and B works part-time. B is always complaining about money because 3 kids take up so much of their resources. She was complaining about back to school shopping and I made the mistake of suggesting thrift-store. She got offended and said she has enough to not buy second-hand clothes for her kids. WTF?? Why are you complaining then?

While Girish was in Seattle, I took Mehul out in the neighborhood one day because he was getting bored at home. He hadn't had dinner yet and we usually do a bi-cycle round around the neighborhood in the evening. Because of A and B's past antics I didn't want to hang around them for too long and wanted to get home. They both started on how we've pampered Mehul that he doesn't eat by himself. First, the statement is WRONG. He does eat by himself although selectively. Second, it's none of their business. Third, unless they have had a picky eater, they can have no advice for me. I got out of there as soon as I could and cried at home. I haven't told Girish yet. I don't want to ever see these people again but being in the neighborhood, it's hard to avoid them. Specially because Mehul is friends with their kids. Goodness knows, we have tried getting him to eat by himself and he's getting better each day.

They're teaching me parenting? Girish and I have frequently had conversations where he says he had no idea on how much I did and how good I did it, until he met these two ladies. He says they're jealous of me and I agree. A's husband is the project manager in Girish's company and he was ready to interview me for a job that would have paid REALLY well -- double of what I make now and I don't make a tiny amount even now. And I refused. Because I didn't want to take away from family time. I think they're threatened by me.

Sorry for being so long and rambly. I need to get this off my chest. If you have any words of wisdom, I'll be happy to hear. There is a lot more I have to say but I have to go now as I'm late already.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Those aren't friends. And I agree, I think they're jealous. I also know that doesn't help much. {{{hugs}}} I wish I lived closer!

Anonymous said...

What a crummy situation, Shalini. I agree with Erin's comment that they aren't friends. Because your son is friends with their children, I would be polite but that's it. It certainly sounds like they think they're entitled to something you have that they don't!

Anonymous said...

Shalini-
I agree it can be hard to make friends as an adult,and I have found that it takes a long time to really get to know someone. It's also hard to be friends with your neighbors at times, too. They are probably threatened by you, and also some people are just plain mean.

Be polite to the ladies so you teach your son that value, and especially since he's friends with the one lady's kids. Just know that they're not very loyal, or trustworthy so say nothing of great depth to them about anything. When they offer advice, I would say, "That's interesting, I'll have to think about it." Then change the subject.

Hugs to you, by the way. Keep searching for a friend here and there...to me they're worth it in the end. It just takes time.

Anonymous said...

((((Shalini))))) I absolutely agree with what the other commenters said: these "ladies" aren't friends! They are probably jealous and feel threatened by you. I agree that, because your son is friends with their kids, you should always be polite and courteous when you have to see them. It's important for his sake (and for your own, because you don't want to sink to their level!). But there really *are* decent people out there! I'd totally love to be your "IRL" friend if I didn't live on the opposite coast. You certainly don't need the negative energy that those two women are so full of, though, so steer clear as much as possible! As Mehul gets a little older and gets into school and activities, you'll meet a lot of other parents, and I bet you'll find some who you like whose kids and Mehul will be friends.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shals,
After a long time I went thru ur blog, nd I'm reading this....Wish I could be near you. As for those 2 ladies, they are not ur friends. They are jealous of you and your life. Don't bother about it.

As for M being a picky eater, remember he is a kid. He will learn as he grows. You don't worry about it at all. I have seen many kids like that. He is your son,and this is ur life. Just ignore other mean people's outbursts. Don't let them affect you at all.

Lots of love and hugs to u & M.
Sene